The change

Entry 3

There is a saying that I stand by....

"If you always think what you always thought you will always do what you've always done...If you always do what you've always done you will get what you've always gotten"

I stand by this saying, it actually changed my life. This saying gave me the courage to break away from my situation with my son's father. The road we were on was toxic, for me and for my son. You never fully realize how much a child changes your life until you face certain challenges and decisions you would have never made before you had a child. Especially when your faced with the decision "is it the man I love or is it the son I created and love"? I decided to choose my son of course for the health of his development I decided I didn't want to expose my son to the destruction of his father and my relationship. I had already drug myself through the life crumbling experience why allow the wreckage to effect my son...our son. I have had to pick up the pieces of my heart, my life, myself and stay strong enough to keep pushing forward for my son. He has been such a great motivator for me. In everything I do I always have him on my mind there are so many things in life that can lead you off the right path.....having my son opens my eyes to maturity I am 28 years old, single and still young. I yearn to be irresponsible, to not work, or go and do things young people do, even date. But supplying a healthy environment, safe roof over his head, stability in knowing at least his mamma is always there, always present, never misses a beat, or special moment is what is my main priority over anything for myself. Being a single parent is exhausting you are always working double time there are many faces of parenting and there are times you really do need 2 parents to raise a child. When I get to a point that I am at my wits end repeating myself, doing the disciplining, working all day, making dinner, bed time rituals, it would be nice to have a co parent help with those things. Although I am a stern discipliner there are times I'm just mom and it takes a co parent a second voice a person to back me up to really get a point across. There comes a point in time that a boy needs a fathers stern voice. Sometimes I lose myself and allow the feeling of resentment towards my son's father now don't twist my words around there is no way possible I could be ever be jealous but resentment yes I feel that him not being involved with the raising of the child we together created is "unfair" of course life is not fair in any way shape or form. That's where acceptance has played a huge part in this journey..

1. 
   

Ups and downs

Entry 2

It's such a heart swelling feeling to know that there is someone in the world that completely unconditionally and with a pure heart loves me in which I created myself...

This morning was a little rough, I have a 7 year old son he is normal, destructive, doesn't fully understand that jackets or shoes cost money. During the course of school he has pretty much lost every jacket he owns. I try really hard to instill responsibility but in all honesty how much "responsibility" do you really bestow on a 7 year old child. I woke up at my normal 5 am alarm wake up call, it's June and it's raining out side. My son gets himself dressed every morning, while I run around getting ready. This morning I lost control and got frustrated with my son, I proceeded to allow my voice to be raised about not having a jacket, and or socks. I feel like I'm constantly repeating myself, and he is always challenging me. When I dropped him off at my mothers I always open the drivers door to give him a hug and a kiss before I watch him walk up. Today we hugged with tension because I was frustrated. He stood in the door and with such a little man sweet voice and a lump in his throat  he said "I'm sorry mom for being a jerk and not having my jacket" at that moment my heart completely melted my eyes swelled with tears and I realized I was the one being the jerk, being woke up and being reprimanded over a jacket is a horrible way to wake up. By him apologizing I knew he herd me and grabbed my son and hugged him again whole heatedly at this point I was crying. I told him I too was sorry for speaking in the tone I did this morning and I didn't want to ruin his day that I loved him very much and he is my most favorite person in the world. This boy truly is my best friend and there are times I lose my self control (we are all human) I allow my frustration to take over my maturity and not realize I am speaking to a 7 year old child. He is an only child and I expect so much of him at times. I have to be his mother and his father more times than not and it gets really hard on me. If  I'm all mush like mom's are supposed to be then he would walk all over me and when I'm stern at times it breaks my heart. We get so wrapped up in our everyday routine that sometimes as humans we lose site of the small little things. I made my son, my sweet little 7 year old  child to feel like a jerk and be compelled enough to apologize for it. Today I felt like a bad person inconsiderate of my son's feelings he may be a child be he is a person and has feelings, by being frustrated and losing my cool is not teaching him how to handle his frustration is a correct manner, but some where down this long road of raising a child on my own I have seemed to teach him empathy and to apologize for his actions, he does listen to me  although he is still a baby my baby his attention span is not of an adult and I need to be more patient and understanding and remember being 7 myself. Well this was my morning and that's why I started my blog with what I said today...that no matter how much of a JERK I am my son unconditionally loves me. 

Introduction

First entry

Allow me to introduce myself, the name is Kathleen but everyone I know calls me Kat. I'm 28 years old and I'm a single mother to a 7 year old boy. I'm not sure how this whole blog thing works but I've decided to make one, maybe to have a electronic diary, or maybe to just put my feelings and experiences out into the universe. Who knows but here I am nice to meet you.... Today I did my usual, my alarm goes off at 5 am on the dot and I snooze until I panic. I rise from bed always feeling tired, no matter how much sleep or how many naps I take I'm always tired. This is from being over weight, partial depression, being tired from keeping up with my son Richard and my Job. I get up and get dressed, while my son sleeps he is in bed next to me weather we start out in bed that night or I try to get him to sleep in his own bed in his own room he always winds up in bed with me. I don;t mind I have no one else in my bed and he is my son. So after 10 mins of extensive getting ready for work....I start calling out Richards name....that takes about 5 mins (he is so cute sleeping) he is such a good boy he rolls out of bed and goes into his room and changes into something to wear. Today I walked into his room and he was zipping up a 2 sizes 2 small batman onesy. He is becoming more and more self sufficient everyday I no longer fight him in certain situations I have to pick and choose my battles especially at 5 in the morning, the last thing I want to do is argue with a 7 year old. We walk down stairs and then I drive him over to my mothers. Being a single parent who works full time is definitely a struggle! I have to rely on others to be the missing co parent. Thankfully I have a supportive mother who watches my son. During school its a lot easier because he is in school most of the day but summers take a toll on my mom. Support is the biggest part of the survival of a successful single parent hood.  You never really do it completely alone though your single parent journey, you have friends, family, even teachers who help you. If you are alone then you are not being successful, this means your not working, and if your not working or at least going to school then your not leading  setting a good example for your child. I have worked full time since my son was 1 and I have also among the 7 years of his life put myself through college and graduated. I have a great job and I live in a 2 bedroom apartment just my son and I. I am not on any assistance from the state or government, I buy my food with cash, and I pay my own bills (with no child support) I do this independently. With a excellent support crew. Just the other day my sister (Im the oldest of 5 children) came and took my son for 3 days camping, I haven been with out my son for days in almost 2 years. In this little break I was blessed with I missed him so much, I realized that my best friend is my 7 year old son. I now can't imagine or fantasize life not containing him in it. I don't know where I would be or what I would be doing in my life. I must say I give him all the credit in the world of who I am today. I don't do drugs, I'm driven to provide him with everything I never had as a child,  I even went to college so he could see his mother graduate college because I didn't want to be a hyprocate when I preach to him about going to college one day. Sure feels good to just talk about these things....Thank who ever decides to read this