Obsessive

ENTRY 4

obsessing  present participle of ob·sess(Verb)

Verb Preoccupy or fill the mind of (someone) continually, intrusively, and to a troubling extent: "he was obsessed with thoughts of suicide". Be preoccupied in this way: "her husband obsessed about the wrong she had done him". I want to talk about obsessing this morning, why because I do it often over how much my son's father is not involved in his life. In 2012 he missed every single holiday, most of which he was in jail for the greater part but there were a few holidays (My son's birthday) that he missed with no excuse. Not saying being in jail in a excuse of any way. Let's back up a little bit (I can only imagine what people say about the beginning of this posting, well that's what you get for having a child with a person like that lets do a quick back track) I met my son;s father when I was 16 years old at church. He was my first EVERYTHING we went to my senior ball together, we were young and in love, I graduated high school he didn't and that's where it began I was growing, being the young adult graduated in a relationship, wanting to grow at the same time I was blind to my boyfriends lack of growth, every year that passed I grew more and more and he never changed 4 years later I got pregnant with our son. He didn't work, or try in that matter to take care of my son and I, I struggled to keep our family together after we made the choice to have a child. In the beginning when my son was a infant his father was involved and helped me, but there was so much that was not enough, we lived in a trailer in my mothers backyard and I wanted more for my son I wanted more for myself, and he didn't seem to mind not moving forward. I couldn't do it any longer I was now 24 years old my son was 3 and my son's father regressed, he didn't work he was stealing, using me, verbally abusing me, cheating on me and now doing drugs. The boy I met at church that I had a child with that I thought I was going to be with forever was fading away and I had a major choice to make, the man I loved for the last 8 years of my life or the boy I created and had for 3 years. Of course I decided to choose my son, and myself and I had to let my son's father go WHOM I loved very much. Since then 4 years ago my son's father has lost touch of reality and been in and out of jail and not in my son's life. It almost feels like an out of sight out of mind situation. My son is now getting older and is aware of his absence. When his father is in jail I lie to my son, I tell him he is out of town "working" so my son thinks he is far far away working not in jail. I have ups and downs from family for lying to my son. I wanted the vital years of his life to think his dad was "working' he sees his mother working everyday, I even took myself to college in the last 4 year (I graduated with a 4.0 deans list, associates degree of science) so I want my son to be as well rounded as I can especially with a missing parent in the home. My son's father has been in jail the last 11 months,  he calls this weekend and tells my son he is back in town and he is going to try and see him Sat or Sunday and then never came to see my son or called to give the respect of saying he couldn't come and see him. I guess I shouldn't be surprised but it still hurts. To know that this amazing boy in my life, the person that holds my heart, has someone out there that is his so called father that doesn't give two shits about establishing a relationship to know him, to see how amazing of a person he is, or how much he has traits just like his father, how much he looks like him, how much his smile can light up any ones day, how smart he is and big he is getting, how his young beautiful little spirt believes the magic of the tooth fairy or Santa the priceless little moment that will be gone in a blink of an eye are passing by and his father just doesn't care? I can't accept that how can two people make a child (with complete love) and then just not have a relationship to this innocent little person that loves them unconditionally weather they don't see them ever or not. Pains my heart to think that it's easy to go through life not knowing your child....it's been 4 years, of the same shit different day yet here I sit Obsessing......