Discipline

ENTRY 7

dis·ci·pline  

Noun The practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience.

Verb Train (someone) to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience. I have to admit they say that the "terrible 2's"  are considered the worst age, well I do not concur with that statment. The age of 7 is by far the most diffcult in the growing relationship between my son and I. I must say this has been the most trying year of being a dicplinary in my son's life. He is constantly testing boundires, he has his voice and knows how to use it, not in terms of yelling but talking back, second guessing, and challenging everything I say. I am honestly at a crossroads here, I don't want to hit my son in any form, he doesn't take mom's stern voice seriously, and taking things away doesn't effect him. I keep putting him in the cornor but this does nothing. I am told to find something that he loves the most and use this to his advantage. There is not much this kid really "loves" and nothing faxes him. I mean he loves food but im not about to starve him for punishment... I jsut don't know what to do really, these are the times where a 2 parent house hold would be bennificial to a childs development, when he doesn't take me "serious" thats when parent #2 comes in and reinforces what #1 partent instructed.

True Love

ENTRY 6

“What it's like to be a parent: It's one of the hardest things you'll ever do but in exchange it teaches you the meaning of unconditional love.” 
― Nicholas Sparks, The Wedding



My heart is swollen with love today, sometimes as a parent you ask yourself certain questions......

"Was I too hard on them?"

"Am I mean?"

"Am I teaching the right things?"

"Am I guiding them in the right direction?"

             Then  something happens to you, like it did me last night and all your doubts about your parenting, all your transgressions, all your hard work that you think goes unseen/ untold is completely and utterly  justified. It's amazing how much of an impact even an 8 year old person (because their people too) can have on your day, your attitude, your out look, even your life.

            I was on a outing with my best friend of 12 years (having mommy time) I did come home later then I thought. To my surprise this is what I found on a neatly made bed of mine and this amazing letter from my son. This completely made my heart full of such love for this little person. It reassured me that there is something right I'm doing in this grad scheme of parenting that I have going on in my life. This is a pure act of unconditional love, there was nothing expected out of this. It was  thought up completely on his very own, and he made mom's bed also a beautiful act of respect, and kindness. 

           My son made my day, well my week....made me feel so loved more love then I have ever felt from any other person. You see when you look into your child's eyes...the human being you created on your very own, there is this overwhelming sense of love, pride, sense of ownership, towards this person. You poses fear, hope, joy, laughter, frustration, strain, gladness, all at once. It seems as though there was never life before you created life yourself, and now you will for ever dedicate your very own life to help in guiding them to have the stability and foundation s to one day create life themselves and raise that person to the best of their knowledge and experiences. 

              In other words unconditional [ˌʌnkənˈdɪʃən^əl]

adj

1. without conditions or limitations; total unconditional surrender 

Acceptance

Entry 5

Happy Fourth of July 

This year fouth of July fell the day before pay day and the day after rent was due. This where it's hard to be a single parent with a single income in the home. So this is where you do what you got to do for your child to have a happy holiday. So rode along with friends and went to Cal Expo (it's free to get in and if you park far away enough you don;t have to pay for parking.) We may not of had our own personal firework show or sparklers to play with but I have an amazing support core group of friends that made my son's 4 th wonderful. What really gets to me is this....I can't imagine a single holiday that I don;t want to spend with my son, I even have a hard time going out on new years eve I always feel bad like I should be drinking apple cider with him and bringing in the new year with my boy. Well my son's father is now out of jail as a matter of fact he got out last Thursday, it took him 3 days to call his son and then promised him he would come see him Saturday or Sunday. Which never happened......false promises that cause disappoitment in my little boy's heart. (I tell his father to never tell him he is coming to see him but when he is on the phone with my son I can't stop the words that comes out of his mouth) Then at 9:30 at night on 4th of July my son's father decides to call.....he wants to "potray" he cares but when offered to talk to his son he denied it. I wish I could never speak to him again, not have anything to do with him. Doing this would be selfish on my part because my son needs his father, I know he is rarely present but I hope the times he gets attention from his father it bennifits him in some way. To know he has a father, and when he is around he loves him I guess. This is where acceptance comes into play, I need to accept the things I cannot change. I am a single mother, with a useless, uncaring co parent whom doesn't deserve to be called a father or dad....I hurt for my son espically when he asks me about his dad. I have to learn to accept that I am my son's mother and love him to the fullest possble amount a person can love their child, not care about if,how,or who else loves my son and try to give him the world.

Obsessive

ENTRY 4

obsessing  present participle of ob·sess(Verb)

Verb Preoccupy or fill the mind of (someone) continually, intrusively, and to a troubling extent: "he was obsessed with thoughts of suicide". Be preoccupied in this way: "her husband obsessed about the wrong she had done him". I want to talk about obsessing this morning, why because I do it often over how much my son's father is not involved in his life. In 2012 he missed every single holiday, most of which he was in jail for the greater part but there were a few holidays (My son's birthday) that he missed with no excuse. Not saying being in jail in a excuse of any way. Let's back up a little bit (I can only imagine what people say about the beginning of this posting, well that's what you get for having a child with a person like that lets do a quick back track) I met my son;s father when I was 16 years old at church. He was my first EVERYTHING we went to my senior ball together, we were young and in love, I graduated high school he didn't and that's where it began I was growing, being the young adult graduated in a relationship, wanting to grow at the same time I was blind to my boyfriends lack of growth, every year that passed I grew more and more and he never changed 4 years later I got pregnant with our son. He didn't work, or try in that matter to take care of my son and I, I struggled to keep our family together after we made the choice to have a child. In the beginning when my son was a infant his father was involved and helped me, but there was so much that was not enough, we lived in a trailer in my mothers backyard and I wanted more for my son I wanted more for myself, and he didn't seem to mind not moving forward. I couldn't do it any longer I was now 24 years old my son was 3 and my son's father regressed, he didn't work he was stealing, using me, verbally abusing me, cheating on me and now doing drugs. The boy I met at church that I had a child with that I thought I was going to be with forever was fading away and I had a major choice to make, the man I loved for the last 8 years of my life or the boy I created and had for 3 years. Of course I decided to choose my son, and myself and I had to let my son's father go WHOM I loved very much. Since then 4 years ago my son's father has lost touch of reality and been in and out of jail and not in my son's life. It almost feels like an out of sight out of mind situation. My son is now getting older and is aware of his absence. When his father is in jail I lie to my son, I tell him he is out of town "working" so my son thinks he is far far away working not in jail. I have ups and downs from family for lying to my son. I wanted the vital years of his life to think his dad was "working' he sees his mother working everyday, I even took myself to college in the last 4 year (I graduated with a 4.0 deans list, associates degree of science) so I want my son to be as well rounded as I can especially with a missing parent in the home. My son's father has been in jail the last 11 months,  he calls this weekend and tells my son he is back in town and he is going to try and see him Sat or Sunday and then never came to see my son or called to give the respect of saying he couldn't come and see him. I guess I shouldn't be surprised but it still hurts. To know that this amazing boy in my life, the person that holds my heart, has someone out there that is his so called father that doesn't give two shits about establishing a relationship to know him, to see how amazing of a person he is, or how much he has traits just like his father, how much he looks like him, how much his smile can light up any ones day, how smart he is and big he is getting, how his young beautiful little spirt believes the magic of the tooth fairy or Santa the priceless little moment that will be gone in a blink of an eye are passing by and his father just doesn't care? I can't accept that how can two people make a child (with complete love) and then just not have a relationship to this innocent little person that loves them unconditionally weather they don't see them ever or not. Pains my heart to think that it's easy to go through life not knowing your child....it's been 4 years, of the same shit different day yet here I sit Obsessing......

The change

Entry 3

There is a saying that I stand by....

"If you always think what you always thought you will always do what you've always done...If you always do what you've always done you will get what you've always gotten"

I stand by this saying, it actually changed my life. This saying gave me the courage to break away from my situation with my son's father. The road we were on was toxic, for me and for my son. You never fully realize how much a child changes your life until you face certain challenges and decisions you would have never made before you had a child. Especially when your faced with the decision "is it the man I love or is it the son I created and love"? I decided to choose my son of course for the health of his development I decided I didn't want to expose my son to the destruction of his father and my relationship. I had already drug myself through the life crumbling experience why allow the wreckage to effect my son...our son. I have had to pick up the pieces of my heart, my life, myself and stay strong enough to keep pushing forward for my son. He has been such a great motivator for me. In everything I do I always have him on my mind there are so many things in life that can lead you off the right path.....having my son opens my eyes to maturity I am 28 years old, single and still young. I yearn to be irresponsible, to not work, or go and do things young people do, even date. But supplying a healthy environment, safe roof over his head, stability in knowing at least his mamma is always there, always present, never misses a beat, or special moment is what is my main priority over anything for myself. Being a single parent is exhausting you are always working double time there are many faces of parenting and there are times you really do need 2 parents to raise a child. When I get to a point that I am at my wits end repeating myself, doing the disciplining, working all day, making dinner, bed time rituals, it would be nice to have a co parent help with those things. Although I am a stern discipliner there are times I'm just mom and it takes a co parent a second voice a person to back me up to really get a point across. There comes a point in time that a boy needs a fathers stern voice. Sometimes I lose myself and allow the feeling of resentment towards my son's father now don't twist my words around there is no way possible I could be ever be jealous but resentment yes I feel that him not being involved with the raising of the child we together created is "unfair" of course life is not fair in any way shape or form. That's where acceptance has played a huge part in this journey..

1. 
   

Ups and downs

Entry 2

It's such a heart swelling feeling to know that there is someone in the world that completely unconditionally and with a pure heart loves me in which I created myself...

This morning was a little rough, I have a 7 year old son he is normal, destructive, doesn't fully understand that jackets or shoes cost money. During the course of school he has pretty much lost every jacket he owns. I try really hard to instill responsibility but in all honesty how much "responsibility" do you really bestow on a 7 year old child. I woke up at my normal 5 am alarm wake up call, it's June and it's raining out side. My son gets himself dressed every morning, while I run around getting ready. This morning I lost control and got frustrated with my son, I proceeded to allow my voice to be raised about not having a jacket, and or socks. I feel like I'm constantly repeating myself, and he is always challenging me. When I dropped him off at my mothers I always open the drivers door to give him a hug and a kiss before I watch him walk up. Today we hugged with tension because I was frustrated. He stood in the door and with such a little man sweet voice and a lump in his throat  he said "I'm sorry mom for being a jerk and not having my jacket" at that moment my heart completely melted my eyes swelled with tears and I realized I was the one being the jerk, being woke up and being reprimanded over a jacket is a horrible way to wake up. By him apologizing I knew he herd me and grabbed my son and hugged him again whole heatedly at this point I was crying. I told him I too was sorry for speaking in the tone I did this morning and I didn't want to ruin his day that I loved him very much and he is my most favorite person in the world. This boy truly is my best friend and there are times I lose my self control (we are all human) I allow my frustration to take over my maturity and not realize I am speaking to a 7 year old child. He is an only child and I expect so much of him at times. I have to be his mother and his father more times than not and it gets really hard on me. If  I'm all mush like mom's are supposed to be then he would walk all over me and when I'm stern at times it breaks my heart. We get so wrapped up in our everyday routine that sometimes as humans we lose site of the small little things. I made my son, my sweet little 7 year old  child to feel like a jerk and be compelled enough to apologize for it. Today I felt like a bad person inconsiderate of my son's feelings he may be a child be he is a person and has feelings, by being frustrated and losing my cool is not teaching him how to handle his frustration is a correct manner, but some where down this long road of raising a child on my own I have seemed to teach him empathy and to apologize for his actions, he does listen to me  although he is still a baby my baby his attention span is not of an adult and I need to be more patient and understanding and remember being 7 myself. Well this was my morning and that's why I started my blog with what I said today...that no matter how much of a JERK I am my son unconditionally loves me. 

Introduction

First entry

Allow me to introduce myself, the name is Kathleen but everyone I know calls me Kat. I'm 28 years old and I'm a single mother to a 7 year old boy. I'm not sure how this whole blog thing works but I've decided to make one, maybe to have a electronic diary, or maybe to just put my feelings and experiences out into the universe. Who knows but here I am nice to meet you.... Today I did my usual, my alarm goes off at 5 am on the dot and I snooze until I panic. I rise from bed always feeling tired, no matter how much sleep or how many naps I take I'm always tired. This is from being over weight, partial depression, being tired from keeping up with my son Richard and my Job. I get up and get dressed, while my son sleeps he is in bed next to me weather we start out in bed that night or I try to get him to sleep in his own bed in his own room he always winds up in bed with me. I don;t mind I have no one else in my bed and he is my son. So after 10 mins of extensive getting ready for work....I start calling out Richards name....that takes about 5 mins (he is so cute sleeping) he is such a good boy he rolls out of bed and goes into his room and changes into something to wear. Today I walked into his room and he was zipping up a 2 sizes 2 small batman onesy. He is becoming more and more self sufficient everyday I no longer fight him in certain situations I have to pick and choose my battles especially at 5 in the morning, the last thing I want to do is argue with a 7 year old. We walk down stairs and then I drive him over to my mothers. Being a single parent who works full time is definitely a struggle! I have to rely on others to be the missing co parent. Thankfully I have a supportive mother who watches my son. During school its a lot easier because he is in school most of the day but summers take a toll on my mom. Support is the biggest part of the survival of a successful single parent hood.  You never really do it completely alone though your single parent journey, you have friends, family, even teachers who help you. If you are alone then you are not being successful, this means your not working, and if your not working or at least going to school then your not leading  setting a good example for your child. I have worked full time since my son was 1 and I have also among the 7 years of his life put myself through college and graduated. I have a great job and I live in a 2 bedroom apartment just my son and I. I am not on any assistance from the state or government, I buy my food with cash, and I pay my own bills (with no child support) I do this independently. With a excellent support crew. Just the other day my sister (Im the oldest of 5 children) came and took my son for 3 days camping, I haven been with out my son for days in almost 2 years. In this little break I was blessed with I missed him so much, I realized that my best friend is my 7 year old son. I now can't imagine or fantasize life not containing him in it. I don't know where I would be or what I would be doing in my life. I must say I give him all the credit in the world of who I am today. I don't do drugs, I'm driven to provide him with everything I never had as a child,  I even went to college so he could see his mother graduate college because I didn't want to be a hyprocate when I preach to him about going to college one day. Sure feels good to just talk about these things....Thank who ever decides to read this